I swear, the first time I audibly muttered “Oh God” while bemoaning the molasses pace of THE NUMBER 23 — was 23 minutes in! Clunky and unmemorable as only a Joel Schumacher film can be, it searches fruitlessly for a consistent tone while telling a complicated plot with no clarity. Even the hook — the supposedly infinite permutations of the number 23 — is unconvincing, even dull. And don't even get me started on that sappy Hollywood ending! — Jeff Schultz
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HORSEMEN is horseshit. This loser starts out as an unsettling Se7en-type serial killer mystery, then tantalizingly ramps up the suspense by taking what seems to be a literally Apocalyptic turn, only to reveal itself as…a freakin' WEEPER. It ends up coming off as pure marketing aimed at teenagers going through their sullen phase, badly acted contemptible trash. — Jeff Schultz
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The first hour of Trek boldly goes…the last half turns into STAR WRECK! A Leonard Nimoy role takes away the momentum of what was a cool reboot. Contrived plot. twists, lame time travel, and a rushed predictable finale taint a movie that almost won over a non trekkie. JJ should have stayed on his Galactia-esque course. Instead of using an “alternate reality” as a reason to take the risks he was taking early on. Great looking movie though. — Stormy Curry
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Success has many fathers; failure is an ORPHAN. This wildly overlong bad seed story takes forever to get going, and once it does is brought low by the dense obtuse cluelessness of the dad — Peter Sarsgaard, doing nothing with a nothing role. More unpleasant than creepy, this project should never have been adopted. — Jeff Schultz
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The problem with THE MESSENGERS is that there are too many messages. Is it a sullen teenager my-parents-don't-understand-me drama? A psycho killer thriller? Or a ghost-filled haunted house flick? In fact it's an uneasy mix of all three, none of which is done particularly well. Dylan McDermott, Penelope Ann Miller and Kristen Stewart — what are you doing in a tired piece of product like this? — Jeff Schultz
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The perfect companion piece to My Name Is Bruce, JCVD is both a satire of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies and the real thing itself. With its breaking down of the 4th wall, jumping back and forth in time, and incorporation of elements from the real Van Damme's troubled personal life, we get brains AND brawn, plus a chance to reassess this actor, whose aging face has become a thing of beauty in all its world-weary glory. — Jeff Schultz
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HORSEMEN is a thriller that is a better ride than expected…but loses its way in the last third. This Seven-ish flick sets up a gruesome story and Dennis Quaid is solid…unfortunately the final act feels rushed and too many questions are left unanswered. If you dont think about it too hard its a good no brainer — Stormy Curry
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A haunted house movie should not be bloodless. While THE ABANDONED is an earnest effort, it's such an ultra-serious gloomfest, there's little room left for scares or fun.Director Nacho Cerda made his reputation with the horrifyingly graphic short, Aftermath. Here, he relies mostly on atmosphere and mood in a story that's a bit like The Skeleton Key, but set in Russia. Notable for a fine performance from an actress I was unfamiliar with: Anastasia Hille. — Jeff Schultz
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The rare sequel that's better than the original, DAY WATCH is more than 2 hours of non-stop thrills. The story is easier to follow, the acting is waaay better and Timur Bekmambetov uses the set pieces to drive the story to a thrilling & touching conclusion. Nothing feels forced or out of place. Use the Chalk of Fate to mark this down as a WINNER! — Alan Yudman
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CRITEXTS is one year old! OK, I’m about two weeks late with the announcement, but nevertheless, we’ve made it to a year! Thanks to our fans (all 3 of you!). — THE CRITEXTERS