TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D

Not just awful, God-awful. Not just a bomb, an abomination. Worthless. A piece of crap. Bad actors in a screenplay that stumbles from points A to B like a jalopy with stripped gears in a stretchy premise that loses even more credibility by how badly it’s developed.  Marcus Nispel’s 2003 remake not only proved you can rethink the first, Tobe Hooper version and come up with a good movie, it actually improved on the original, adding psychological terror and really creepy acting. (Where are R. Lee Ermey and Kathy Lamkin when you need them?) This turgid garbage is slack from the beginning, with not a single memorable kill or suspenseful moment. It falls flat in an area where even crappy slasher films excel: the girls aren’t sexy and the boys aren’t cute. Alexandra Daddario from the PERCY JACKSON movies is a clueless lead, blank and unpleasant, coming off like a lower-rent Kristin Stewart. Scott Eastwood, bless his genes, is fairly embarrassing. The one recognizable face is character actor Richard Riehle (believe me, you’ve seen him), who seems anxious to get away from the proceedings, and who can blame him? — Jeff Schultz

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