Why did I go see this? I already knew Rob Zombie was a crap director, from his first miscarriage, HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES, to the stillborn HALLOWEEN remake, and now this pile of garbage. For starters, Zombie violates a cardinal rule: never cast your wife in the starring role if she can’t act. Sheri Moon Zombie is inarguably the worst horror film radio host since Maggie Grace disgraced the memory of Adrienne Barbeau in the second iteration of THE FOG. But similar flicks have survived the casting of amateurs and still been entertaining. Plus, Zombie has inexplicably managed to wrangle performers like Bruce Davison, Meg Foster, Dee Wallace, Judy Geeson and Maria Conchita Alonso; their scenes at least have a professional gloss. What makes this just so godawful bad is the “scary” stuff, which is worse than laughable, it’s pathetic. Satanic ceremonies filled with ugly naked people smeared with fake blood chanting silly incantations go on so long and are shot so badly I considered walking out at least three times. Zombie never met a slow zoom shot he didn’t like — and when I say slow, I mean you could go to the bathroom — number two! — and still return before the shot has ended. Enough. LORDS isn’t even worth discussing. Don’t go. — Jeff Schultz

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