You figure you get two very likeable, very beautiful movie starts in an action romantic comedy and it’s a surefire win. Well in the case of GHOSTED, that math doesn’t add up. It’s 2 + 2 = pineapple. See, it makes no sense.

In this case you have Chris Evans and Ana de Armas. They meet cute at a farmer’s market. De Armas tries to buy a plant and Evans refuses to sell it to her because he’s afraid she won’t be able to care for it and it will die. But his friends that witness their interaction think they had chemistry, so he chases her down and they spend an amazing 24 hours getting to know each other.

He leaves and thinks she might be the one. So, he texts her and texts her. But she never responds. Has he been Ghosted? Seems like it. He’s not willing to give up. He realized he left his asthma inhaler in her bag, so he uses an Apple Air Tag to track her to London. That’s when he finds out she’s a CIA agent. Then things get really crazy.

Ok, there are a few problems here. I can’t figure it out, but Evans and de Armas have ZERO chemistry. Zip. I don’t know why people think they do. You can’t just speak it into existence. It’s weird. They had chemistry in KNIVES OUT, but here, nothing. What’s the opposite of chemistry? That’s what they have.

Also, the Apple product placement is off the charts annoying. All the phones are iPhones. The Air Tag bit is way too obvious, including using the tracking computer interface to find the inhaler. Someone calls de Armas and she answers using CarPlay. It’s not that we see it. It’s that we linger on it. Apple produced this movie, so I get why, but it’s completely unsubtle.

There’s also “Marvel” placement. In addition to Evans, I counted at least 2 other Marvel actors (Sebastian Stan and Anthony Mackie) that show up as bounty hunters. Why are there bounty hunters? I uh, am not sure. It’s annoying stunt casting and takes you out of a sequence that could have been humorous.

I mean I won’t spoil too much but she saves him but is annoyed he followed her. Then she saves him many more times before he saves her. But will someone save us from this inanity?

Adrian Brody is the big bad, doing a sort of passable French accident. Tim Blake Nelson also shows up as an evil torturing henchman. So, the cast is jam packed with great movie stars. But it never comes together.

Ok I’ve been maybe irrationally hard on this film. It’s ok. It’s mindless. It’s background video when you want something on the TV while you’re cleaning the house or cooking dinner. When I saw the first trailer, I was excited. Ana de Armas was awesome in her short scene in NO TIME TO DIE. I thought she could really pull off an action movie. Maybe she can. She looks decent in the fight sequences (which are frankly kind of boring). But now I’m worried I might have been wrong. Evans usually oozes charm. But here he’s just flat. Good looking but flat. It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen (someday I will go on a rant about the Jean Claude Van Damme movie CYBORG). But it is very disappointing.